“A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed
that uses it.”
– Rabindranath Tagore
I still don’t understand why it is difficult for millions of Nigerians
to understand this simple fact, that I am the best President Nigeria has
ever had and would ever have in a long time to come.
Apart from my brother, General Sani Kano who never passed an examination
in his life time I am the best educated President in Nigeria’s History.
Yet my detractors always make it look as if I am the worst, educated.
Yes, let the truth be told, I don’t have any WAEC Certificate anywhere.
I didn’t need it. I am a Fula man. Full blooded and blue blooded. Of
what use could the Certificate have been anyway? I have achieved what
millions of Nigerians would never achieve. I am the President now and
there is nothing anyone could do about it.
Moreso, at least, I am far better than Sani Kano who never had any
Certificate at all. In my own case, I only stopped midway through Form
4. Some were even suggesting that the school that cooked the fake WAEC
Certificate for me was not in existence when I claimed to have attended,
what is the big deal about that? Does it matter when the school was
created? Even if the school was created in 2014, of what difference is
it? The bottom line is to have the Certificate issued. And I got one.
Hmmm, my supporters. I love them to death. They are the dumbest in the
world. They are so stupid that even my own stupidity was alarmed. I am
glad that majority of them are as brainless as me. They have nothing in
their heads. They would defend me on anything, no matter how absurd. You
couldn’t reason with them. You couldn’t present facts to them. Even many
Babiallahs are more reasonable than them. Yes, they are proofs that I am
the best Present yet in Nigeria’s History.
My supporters, even me, I am offended by their idiocy, but I still love
them. This is because, if they were not idiots, I would not have been
able to mislead them and they would still hail me. Many of them claim to
have eyes, yet I am not sure they could see all the damages I have done.
This convinced me more that I am the best President.
I lied to them that I would declare my assets and would make declaration
of assets a precondition to being in the cabinet. I did not do it. My
supporters, in their usual stupid manners have manufactured excuses,
which are at best nincompoopish to defend me. At times when I read their
defence of me, I am like “Wooow!!! So there are still so many who are
more stupid than me in this country?”
Honestly, before I became President, I had thought I was the most stupid
person in this country. But now I know better. With what I have seen
among my hailing supporters, I could walk with my head straight and my
shoulder high. I could shape my arms like those of the crab and
gallivant around, with my chest puffed out and my gait guided
gratuitously. If I had any doubt before now about being the best
President, it has been erased.
I told them I had 150 cows, I laughed how they all believed me hook,
line and sinker. I had told them over 20 years before then that I had
the same number of cows. This time around when I was giving them the
same number of cows, I didn’t even think about it. Well, I could not
have thought about it even if I wanted to because I have no brain
anyway. Someone had pointed out to me that one must have a brain in
order to think. I didn’t think because I had no brain.
My supporters, they defended the fact that the number of my cows never
increased or decreased for 20 years. See how stupid my supporters are? I
was very upset with them for giving the impression that there were gays
and lesbians among my cows! Despite my own level of stupidity, I could
not imagine the level of theirs. Didn’t they know that this was not
acceptable to Islam and Quran? Yes, the idea of gay and lesbians are not
acceptable to Islam and Quran. They made me upset. But I still love them
for their idiocy anyways.
I told them I would fight corruption and they all began dancing and
jumping up and down. Ha! My supporters, they licked every lie I flailed
at them. They swallowed every rubbish I threw at them. They reminded me
of Umaru Dikko, the man I wanted to crate from London to Lagos when I
was a pupil dictator in 1984/85, unlike now that I am a full blown
tyrant. Umaru had told Nigerians that until he has seen them scavenging
from refuse dumps he would not be persuaded that that there was poverty
in the land.
My supporters were scavenging from the refuse heap of my lies like
hungry goats. How could they believe that someone like me who made $2.8
billion disappear as an ordinary Secretary of Kerosene, would fight
corruption? I took NGN 134 billion of Gas Fund Trust (GFT) and did what
I like with it without any accountability, under Sani yet they still
believed that I would fight corruption. I never thought there were worse
dummies than me in Nigeria until I found my supporters, Walahi
That $2.8 billion was the first of its kind in Nigeria’s History. I laid
that record. I am very proud of it. Actually, during this my second
coming, I was determined to lay a new record. I did that with the help
of Maijibiti Barawo, the GMD of CPNN. I approved a ghost contract worth
$26 billion from my hotel suite in London. And trust my supporters, they
applauded it, defended it, praised it and shut down any critique of it.
Some of my critics were upset that I detained Samson Dansaki for over 4
years. I don’t understand them. This man only gave me N800 million out
of the 2.1 billion he took. He should have given me at least a billion
out of the money. I had no choice, I had to use him to fight corruption
the easiest way by locking him up regardless of Court injunctions. I
just don’t understand why people could not understand what I am doing!
Ha! my supporters, they are amazingly stupid. How could they believe the
dumb stories that I was poor? How in the world? I had ten Toyota Prado
SUVs in my entourage before I became President. I had an estate in Abuja
in my name rented by the United Peoples of the World. I had my children
in the UK going to the best schools. My son, Yunusa, rides a bike that
costs meagre N58m. I have landed properties in Port – Harcourt, Kaduna
and Daura. Is that the life style of a poor man?
When I went to pick the nomination form of my party, Congress of
Progressive Alliance, (CPA), I told them I borrowed the N25 million. I
have never seen such a celebrated dance by idiots in my life. It was a
metastasized celebration across the land. My popularity soared. I became
a cult figure. People began to express their supports through weird
ways. I was dumfounded. Stupefied. Bewildered. They all believed my lie
which myself could not and did not even believe. For the whole week, I
was celebrating the master stroke, drinking champagne. Yes, I drank
champagne as if it was going out of fashion o. No, no, no, no, don’t
come with that o. Quran is not against champagne at all. Neither is
Since I became President, I have made my predecessor look like Anab
Mohammed (SAW). I increased the cost of petrol. I increased the cost of
staple foods. I increased the VAT tax. Light has become more expensive
and inconsistent. Everything now costs more. Lives are no longer secure.
Kings have been kidnapped in their palaces. Emirs are attacked anyhow.
Boko Haram is now technically stronger. But I trust my dumb supporters,
they have defended me all the way and very well too. I have absolute
faith in their lunacy, in their cretinism. I could always count on their
derangement to come up with senseless defences of my actions.
The most interesting aspect of my leadership is that I have allowed my
Fula people to kill members of other ethnic nationalities unrestrained.
I didn’t have to say anything. The Police knew that they dared not
arrest them. The Armed Forces knew they had to protect my Fula people.
Have you ever seen any of them arrested and or tried? Even when my Fula
people claimed responsibilities for massacring others, have you seen
them arrested by anyone? My people have massacred villages, murdering
women and children, destroying farms, raping women, burning down century
old settlements. I didn’t know it was going to be this easy.
People offered no resistance that I had anticipated. They don’t want to
give up their lands to my invading people and yet they are not willing,
even when they are able, to defend their lands. They just threw up their
arms, helplessly, sermonizing about “unity” of Nigeria. Which “unity”?
The only “unity”of Nigeria I understand is when my Fula people dominate
every strata and control everything. Anything outside that does not make
any sense to me.
I never knew Nigerians are this cowardly, Allah! Walahi! I never knew I
could get away with this much. All I needed to do was to sneez by
arresting any one vocal person and you see the rest running helter –
skelter, with their tails between their legs. They scurry into their
holes so fast that I am amused to the point all I have to do is just
pick my rotten teeth in front of the television in Osa Rock.
I think my problem right now is this Yorùbáwa people. They are trying
to prove stubborn and difficult. I brought RUGA, they frustrated it. Now
they came up with Àmòtékùn trying to cause problems for my people’s
ability to occupy and take over their land. But I would get them. I have
some other plans up my sleeves. It is not over until it is over.
Those Yorùbáwa people, I would always find traitors among them. There
are few black legs among them who would eat faeces for position. All
they want is money and position. I have plenty of that to give, as long
as I remain in Osa Rock. Many of them are shameless. They don’t care
what happened to their people as long as they get to become Ministers or
anything of the sort. I would give them contracts and make them betray
There is even one among them, who they call “National Leader” of
whatever. Some of his people call him “strategist.” I sized him up and I
found his thinking constricted. To say he is myopic is a gross
understatement. I find him very useful. He is a good tool. He wants to
succeed me. I smile to myself about him in my quietude. There are many
of these people in my party that I had thought were smart. But they are
not. They are cowards and they are very greedy.
And those others from the East who call themselves Biafrans… Hmmmm!
They irritate me a lot. I despise them more than I despise those sneaky
and stubborn Yorùbáwa people. I don’t like them at all. They thought I
have dealt with them, already. They have not the slightest idea. This
second term is another term given to me by Allah. And Walahi, I swear I
would use it. Some of them have tried to reveal my secret plan for
Third Term. I have denied it and I know that as usual, they believed me.
One thing I have been able to confirm is that I am the most idiotic
politician in Nigeria. I am so stupid that it is beyond amazement. But
the seamless adulation by my ululating supporters beats me. I used to
think that you get admired for being smart and intelligent. I never knew
I could be so much adored and worshipped for being brainless and vacuous
and dumb. I never knew that. It is a new revelation to me.
Is there any doubt still that I am the best President in Nigeria’s
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