When you are the guest speaker and you have nothing to say, start by saying \u201cYour Excellency, The President and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, Federal Republic of West Germany; The Honourable Minister of State, Federal Ministry of Business As Usual; The Director General, Agency For Ghost Workers; Distinguished Guests, Ladies and Gentlemen.\u201d When you are through with a prolonged protocol, say next to nothing. If they ask you the reason for youth unemployment, open your mouth and say \u201cNigerian youths are unemployable.\u201d After your speech, if people protest what you said, tell them you were quoted out of context.<\/p>\n
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When they are speaking and you too want to speak, raise your hand and shout \u201cPoint of order.\u201d When you are talking and they are talking, warn them not to heat up the polity. When you move a motion and they oppose it, blame them for playing to the gallery. While you are still on your feet speaking, they would interject and rule you out of order. Those in favour, say aye. Those against, say nay. The nays have it.<\/p>\n
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Nigerians are very religious but Nigeria is one of the most corrupt countries in the world. When people come to church and you\u2019ve got nothing to preach, cajole them to sow bountifully to become millionaires and billionaires overnight. After that, collect tithes and offerings. If there\u2019s no fake miracle to perform, tell them to share the grace.<\/p>\n
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When it is time to boast, \u201cNigeria is the giant of Africa.\u201d\u00a0 Every now and then sing \u201cGood People, Great Nation.\u201d When you do a jingle, juggle facts and figures – \u201cOver 140 million people, 250 ethnic groups with different cultural upbringings, approximately 500 languages, they live together in harmony.\u201d<\/p>\n
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Children are the leaders of tomorrow but when you want power desperately, promise heaven and earth. When you assume office and people demand their change, ask \u201chow much\u201d? If they are suffering from change delusion, remind them you are a politician, you are not a magician.<\/p>\n
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When terrorists massacre their victims and you are short of words, condemn and call them cowards. When insecurity gets worse and you are to address the press, memorize and repeat what others are fond of saying – \u201cTerrorism is a global problem; it has nothing to do with religion.\u201d If they ask about the rising incidence of kidnapping, say \u201cWe are on top of the situation.\u201d<\/p>\n
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If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. You\u2019re fast, they\u2019re furious. When they go to the Conference Centre, you go to the National Assembly. When they drive around, you fly non-stop to the top. When they pull your leg and try to pull you down, tell them your hands are tied and no need to force your hand.<\/p>\n
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Corrupt people, hopeless country! When you want to entertain your audience and you have nothing to tell, tell a story. \u201cYou know\u2026everybody is corrupt except me. You see\u2026when it was time for me to hand over. You know\u2026those who wanted my job were all corrupt people. You know\u2026the last man I put in power. You see\u2026corruption was let loose under his watch. You know\u2026it is your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n
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When you are doing nothing, you are busy. When you are busy doing nothing, you are very busy. When you are in the office and your boss is not coming to work, choose your words and answer every caller \u201coga is not on seat.\u201d When you are made a scapegoat for oga\u2019s fault, sorry, you are on your own.<\/p>\n
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When law enforcement officials arrest you, if you are a common criminal, say \u201cIt\u2019s the devil.\u201d If you are a public figure, cry witch-hunt. When you go to court before a judge, plead not guilty. If you are a big man, you are granted bail on self-recognition. Finally, when the prosecution fails to prove its case, my lord, I rest my case.<\/p>\n
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John Adebisi, Abuja<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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